TV Crazy In Blackburn Vasey
For An Explosive Performance Well Worth
Waiting For!
Arrived in, back to basics, Blackburn
early and on checking out how rough the pubs looked decided to get changed
in the car. Covered my new grey Useless T shirt with my work shirt and entered
the Malt & Hops. The music was on so loud in vibrated all the wood panelling.
Black(burn) Cat mild was on great form.
After waiting for an hour I decided
to sit out the front and phone some people on my mobile whilst I awaited C5.
Of course he went through the side door and we missed each other.
Harry Pogue phoned me because I had
inadvertsently phoned him. “Do you fancy going to see members of Hawkwind
at Hebden Bridge?” asked HP. “Is there anyone else on the bill?” I replied,
“Yes, the Doctors Of Madness singer called Kid Strange, I’ve heard of them
somewhere!” I sighed and explained, “The Doctors Of Madness are the greatest
band of all time Harry, Kid Strange is Richard Strange.” HP’s light came on
“I’ll go and get some flyers for you.” Result!
I see C5 at the Gladstone statue and pretend
to run past him – how can you not notice someone in a Channel 5 T-shirt? We
walk to the gig and decide to go in the KFC opposite. One of the dozens of
youths who randomly stroll around Blackburn banged on the window and flashed
me and C5 the Barclays Banker hand sign – charming! The stereo system is broken
and sounds like a demented Norman Collier (shit – I am old!). They simply
turn it up instead of off! Strange town!
As soon as we sat down to eat we saw
TV heading towards the KFC…surely not!!! Yep! In he came, but what did he
order in a Kentucky Fried Chicken shop??? “What do you think of this ghost
town?” asks TV. “Rather strange” we reply.
We are all soon in the North Bar for
the gig. TV explains that he is playing a big birthday party for one of his
mates and they have set up the Black (burn and pool) gigs as a sandwich around
it. Sound check time and TV treats us to Future and Lion.
A Craig Casson look-a-like enters and
TV introduces us to long-term TV fan Richard Watson. It’s TV talk time. As
Richard talks about his favourite songs I realise he is the bloke who sent
me the second entry in the TV Top 20 chart. Only Richard calls Straight and
Narrow, Poison Arrow! New TUTS nickname time!
We decide to talk Cheap and Explore
the Adverts for a while, before campaigning for Richard’s support in the great
C5’s, Channel 5 versus Tj’s, March Of The Giants debate. Poison Arrow takes
the Easy Way out and opts for Last Words Of The Great Explorer. I simply Walk
Away.
The jukebox spits out various punk
oldies. The hours pass very slowly. Then at 10:30 p.m. C5’s eyes widen in
awe and he announces “It’s THE GREAT MAN!” Sure enough Gary Gilmore’s Eyes
blasts out of the dead loud sound system. Then up gets the support and walks
on stage during TV’s finest hour. “Surely not” sighed C5. As Aneurysm tuned
up C5’s jaw dropped so much it hit the floor. “They probably don’t even know
it’s THE GREAT MAN!” he groaned. Sure enough they started playing before Gilmore’s
astonished eyes!
Aneurysm were 21st Century
Punks. For some reason they reminded me of a demented Status Quo caught up
with a screaming Slipknot vocal. The sound was literally ear splitting. Does
everyone in Blackburn walk around with permanent ear defenders in?
“You probably won’t like this one,”
announced one of the young singers. He screamed so loud into the mike that
I thought he head was going to explode like something out of the Scanners
horror film.
“What a loud band!” shouted a humorous
TV, as he arrived on stage a few minutes later. “If I’m too loud tell me and
I’ll ignore you!” Wham! Into one of TV’s best new songs; NOT A BAD DAY – too
right! We all knew the day was about to get considerably better.
Bam! NO TIME TO BE 21. A clone of Southwick’s
Smelly danced at the front. This Rasta haired punk had ‘Exploding Baby’ written
on his back. “I saw you in Blackburn in 1977 in cost £1.50” shouted E Baby
at TV. Yep, definitely the clone of Smelly. “I was 11 and I’m 36 now”
“If you find anybody who’s getting younger – let me know” retorted TV, bursting
into BORED TEANAGERS. As he hit the last note one loud dancing girl at the
front shouted out” I’m going to heckle”. Excellent all the ingredients
for an awesome show were lined up: The drugged up Rasta Punk talking bollocks,
the cocky liberated and loud female heckler, a trio of TUTS and THE GREAT
MAN in explosive form.
“I always opened with this when I played
in America,” grinned TV as he hit those powerful first notes of ATLANTIC TUNNEL.
“The Americans did like it, they fucking hate President Bush as much as we
do and his little puppeto over here.” Quipped Teev.
“Not so shit here is it? Give us a
push and we can enjoy ourselves…” WHAT IF?
“Immortality is coming soon” IMMORTAL
RICH.
THIS YEAR, NEXT YEAR “Sometimes never”
screamed TV.
“Future” bellowed a desperate fan.
“First request and it’s not Gilmore’s Eyes” laughed TV. THE FUTURE USED TO
BE BETTER. “The Servant” I scream to deaf ears.
ONE MILLION POUNDS “Don’t you hate those
stupid games shows?” questioned the man. “Celebrities in the jungle being
eaten by snakes. “Tony Blackburn (no connection to this strange town) was
in it” “He won!” shouted out a couple of eager fans. “Blackburn won!!! It
has come to this! I would have paid to watch him being eaten by crocodiles
or snakes. You do Top Of The Pops and Tony Blackburn laughs at you never forget
that!” grimaced TV. “It was the plastic sunglasses” chuckled one comedian
in the crowd. SWIMMING IN THE FLOOD; the only song that can currently compete
with As Soon As I Found It. By coincidence and destiny, rather than by design,
I push to the front side and take a pic of TV, just as he delivers “So when
the crowd yells and the camera’s on you, well you know what you must do.”
“I’ve got my band in a box with me.
And they said an old Punk Rocker wouldn’t understand technology.” EARTH BOUND,
another ace track from the next awesome album. Shit! I thought, could it
end up being the best album of all time? I decide not to mention this thought
to C5 next to me (for fairly obvious reasons.)
“STRONG HORSE” shouts an excited fan.
TV obliges “This is for the new Thatch, Mr Tony Puppeto Blair.” “The Servant”
I scream to deaf ears. “CAST OF THOUSANDS” yells the crowd. C5 is in seventh
heaven. TV criticises the forthcoming war with Iraq. After Cast, TV mentions
his old sparring partner, the Cast Killer, Gary Bushell “White is right indeed,
his morals are screwed right up his arse.” “THIRD TERM” is the last of the
trio of political and news classics demanded by a hungry crowd. “The new definition
of democracy is that the political powers make you vote for who they want
you to vote for these days,” remonstrated TV Smith.
Then right in my right ear I heard
“BOMBSITE BOY.” “Who said that? Asked TV “You! Oh well I like a challenge.”
I looked round as TV hit that booming bass intro and copped the grinning face
of Richard, of the Poison Arrow. “Great Call” congratulated C5. “We’ll be
seeing this anytime now.” Missile time with TOMAHAWK CRUISE. C5 roared along
with enormous passion. Twang, TV’s string snapped. “The Americans have sent
a smart bomb to snap my string – It’s that fucking TV Smith, he’s singing
about us again,” laughed Tim, raising his hands high in adulation as he fixes
his guitar. The crowd cheer as TV announces “A new string ladies and gentleman,
we don’t have much to fucking celebrate!” “And now my only love song… THE
BEATIFUL BOMB.” My turn to grin, as I turn round to jibe Poison Arrow as TV
plays Richards least favourite Channel 5 song. “Thanks TV” shouts Mr C5, grinning
like Nicholson in the Batman movie.
Speaking of grinning, I KNOW WHAT YOU
WANT, it’s time for that specimen grin, which I try to grab on film. “Punk
Rocker smiles on stage!” announces TV in his best Newshound voice.
“That was my happiest song, shall I
play my most miserable song?” “No” I jokingly respond. Enter the first chords
of THE DAY WE CAUGHT THE BIG FISH to cheers all round. I lean towards C5 and
say “I actually enjoyed this today (referring to playing Big Fish on Useless
on my journey to Blackburn.) ”Yes, it’s been an excellent gig,” replied C5.
Again TV raised his hands to accept the adulation “My most miserable song,
you’ve got to celebrate something.” Laughed TV.
“The Servant” I scream to deaf ears.
“MY PUNK ROCK POEM, shut the fuck up
for one minute!” TV goaded to the noisy ignorant bastard talking at the back
of the gig. As TV finished off with “The Adverts changed their lives,” Richard
cried out “Yes!” GARY GILMORE’S EYES had the heckler and E Boy dancing at
the front again. “Quickstep” bawled E Boy. “Do you know how hard to play Quickstep
is?” asked an up-for-it anyway TV. “My Place” blurted E Boy. “Hey he let me
off Quickstep!” Smiled a relieved Teev. C5 muttered “My Place” beaming in
TV XTC. As SAFETY IN NUMBERS finished two independent punters bellowed “WE
WHO WAIT.” "Two people that’s a democracy, George bush got in on less,”
said TV obliging.
“The Servant” I scream to deaf ears.
ONLY ONE FLAVOUR was a real crowd pleaser.
“This is a song about life after punk called GENERATION Y.”
“If you find it hard to find me on
tour check out www.TVSMITH.com“ the
crowd joined in shouting out the internet site address. Klaus would have
been well chuffed if he had been at the gig. LION AND THE LAMB follows.
“The Servant” I scream to deaf ears.
“I haven’t forgotten you…” I smiled
hopefully, “…Dave” EXPENSIVE BEING POOR has Dave, who is sporting a Gen Y
T-Shirt with the sleeves cut off, dancing and singing along.
“The Servant” I scream to deaf ears.
“
“Shoe disaster,” screams one of the
fans. “Shoe disaster” that’s the worlds worst heckling” laughed TV. “Shoe
disaster????” he said again to himself looking perplexed.
“So there I am in this quiet carriage
on the train and all the mobiles are going off and everyone’s answering them
saying, shhh! I’m in the quiet carriage and I’m not supposed to talk. Ten
minutes later they are still blarting away.” THE WORLD JUST GOT SMALLER.
I check my watch and it’s 12:30 p.m.
in Blackburn Vasey and TV is doing a Royston Vasey local people impersonation.
THIN GREEN LINE is song 29. The TUTS on tour were hoping for about 24 or
25 - cracked it!
TV ends the explosive performance with…
…THE
SERVANT, you ask, no it was RUNAWAY TRAIN DRIVER.
PA, C5 and I discuss how awesome the gig
was as I write out an extra set list for TV. C5 gets me a poster of the gig
from the wall. TV signs my poster; TV Smith à TV à Tj.
I pass TV the Set List. It’s signed at
the bottom… Tj YOUR SERVANT!